Do you remember why I started this blog? Well to be honest I forgot for a little while there. When I was ‘Just Another Unknown Blogger’ I started blogging because I truely had no idea what I wanted to do in life. It was a shocking, upsetting realisation. But then it changed. I met my husband, I moved out of my friend’s house, I lost one of my beautiful Quaker Parrots, I changed jobs, began developing migraines chronically, and decided that I needed to drop the practical component of my degree even though I was in my final year.
What I didn’t know was that not only had my eating disorders come back, but that I’d developed a gluten intolerance, and that my anxiety, stress and depression were at an all time high. No wonder I felt tired, lethargic, had no motivation, and was lost. The chemicals in my brain were telling me that even when I was ‘happy’ I was not truly happy, that ‘faking it’ was actually taking more of a toll on my body than I realised.
Step forward almost a year and somehow I did manage to get married and when I look back now there is not one thing I would change! It was perfect, and I was truely happy on that day. I decided I no longer wanted to do full time teaching, and dreaded my 3 week block in September. I started my own Photography business and actually became sick, not just with migraines, but physically presenting symptoms of pregnancy even though it wasn’t possible. It wasn’t until July that I finally went to the doctors and got told that there was nothing physically wrong with me. It’s not that it was in my head, but that my body began presenting physical symptoms to try and tell me that I could no longer hide from the stuff in my head.
I was shocked because not only did I not believe that there was nothing physically wrong with me, but because it was actually my mother-in-law who saw my self-destructive behaviours manifest and knew something wasn’t right. She noticed my patterns of behaviour, that my ‘sickness’ was real and she even saw the weight-loss even when I swore black and blue I had put on weight! My anorexia was back and in full swing.
I began seeing a psychologist again, and this time I actually felt like I could trust the person in front of me. That she would indeed try to help me get better, that I wasn’t insane, but I was just too anxious, too stressed and too depressed to get better on my own.
Now it’s September, I have just finished my 4 week block placement,and loved it. I have began applying for full time jobs next year! What a change! I cannot explain it, but when I was doing it every day, teaching those kids, seeing their light bulb moments,watching them become so proud of themselves and what they can achieve, it just maked me realise “this is what a mum must feel like, watching her child lift the head, crawl, pull themselves up and then take heir first steps”. I was watching these students of mine develop and change, and I didn’t want to miss a single moment of it.
I still love my photography and will still be doing my diploma online over thr next two years starting in 2016, but hopefully I will also have a full time teaching job. The good news is I am not scared about having a full time job. I just need to be prepared to be declined and that’s okay. I am prepared to do CRT (Casual Relief Teaching) as well as doing my photography.
I hope this gives each of you the chance to see me for not who I am now, or for the person you see before you. But I hope you see me for who I’ve become. I didn’t just get like this, I have changed, I have crystallize, I have evolved. I am though, still changing. I am still young, still mentally not in the best shape, but it’s okay. Every day is a battle, to fight the voices in my head that tell me I deserve this, I am fat, chunky or not thin enough. But it is okay. I have he best support team on my side!
Below is my year-by-year weight loss & gains from 2006 to now in order. The first image is about 5kg heavier than my lowest weight of 53kg. The fifth image is my peak weight of 83kg, and I will never get to that weight again. In between each of these images is a fluctuation. I usually drop and gain a fair amount in the year but the captions say what I weighed approximately at the time of the photo. I am showing you these photos because many people don’t see a change, and that’s okay. You don’t need to. It isn’t your heard that is filled with voices and an image in the mirror that is distorted, it’s mine and this is one of the ways I reflect on my life…images. Just look and know that no matter what I looked like, the smile on my face, the clothes I wore or the colour of my hair, I was troubled, I was scared and no one helped me until now.
Now it’s my turn to help myself, and I believe I will then evolve into someone new. Someone I’ll be proud to look back on and see that I have accomplished many things in life, and that is where this blog will now go. To a direction of capturing moments in time (mine and clients) and to write the memories of my life so I can remember those steps I took to better myself.
// Mrs. Barbara // xx